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*This is a cross-post from my personal blog. I plan on returning to regularly scheduled blogging at some point — but I don’t feel I can until I process some of this. Thanks for your patience.

According to the recent reading I’ve done, there are five stages of the grieving process:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Another list I found detailed this:

• Numbness
• Disorganization
• Re-organization

I think I relate more to the second list than the first, although I’m not discounting any stage. That would be dangerous.

There is no set time frame, or order to either list. Any one of these things (and probably more that don’t appear on any neat list) can hit at any time. Everyone processes grief their own way and in their own time. In my own particular circumstance, I think the grief is further complicated by the imminent arrival of our most beloved Muffin. It is also common to grieve big changes in our life, to include the loss of a job, a change of environment or any one of a dozen situations. Read more on *regroup* (personal)

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no matter how prepared you think you are for someone’s passing, you’re not. Momma and i talked about death extensively, through the years, not just when she received her cancer diagnosis. part of that was the nature of our chosen (early) careers — i became an LPN at 18; she went through the same program some 20 years later. the other part was just metaphysical conversation…i know at one point she didn’t feel like she could talk to anyone else without freakouts and tears, etc., so we would chat about death and what we thought and how we felt about it, and in some way, it pulled the fangs from death. Read more on this is not an eulogy (personal)

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If Death is Kind

Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning,
We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~Sara Teasdale

i will miss her more than i can possibly express.

rest in peace, momma. i love you.

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I want to thank everyone for stopping by and dropping their cards. I’ll return all as best I can. We are still in a holding pattern — no baby yet, and no passings yet. It’s the waiting that’s the hardest part. The second hardest part is the dichotomy — Life/Death in such close proximity. Sometimes it’s hard to handle.

I can’t find the funny, and that bothers me, very much.  Someone told me a story today, about her 8 year-old grandson calling her with a serious question. “Granny,” he said, “You said you’d always tell me the truth. I have a serious question. Is Heaven real?”

She told him yes, it’s real, it says so in the Bible. Not being a conventional Christian by any means, I just nodded and smiled, and I kept thinking about the bunny in Donnie Darko, for some reason. Read more on Popping In

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As you can see, I’m farking around with my theme here, and I think I’ve got one I can live with. Although I have a predeliction for the dark, I’ve been told it’s hard on the eyes, so I’ve gone more traditional. Tell me what you think, and don’t blow smoke up my ass.

A huge shout-out to my fellow goddess, Lala, who baby-stepped me through the process via G-Chat (which I hate only a little less than the phone.)  I have a lot of tweaking to do until I’m satisfied, and it might take me a few days. I appreciate you being patient and bearing with me. The truth is, things are not going well for my momma and it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better, can you dig it. Tomorrow morning I’m heading up to my sister’s farm, to give her a break and visit with Momma. We don’t have much time.

I can’t really express how I feel right now. My mother is the only parent I have ever known, and as the eldest, we have a relationship that’s different from the other siblings. I’m not saying my pain is greater; it’s different. Her battle with breast cancer has been four years long — we all knew this day was coming. She’s determined to make it until my daughter has her baby, but the price, my friends, is way too high, IMO. Still, she will have what she wants, as long as the Universe allows. My daughter, known as “the GC” (GirlChild) in blogging circles, is due September 7th. In cancer terms, that’s a long way away.

Until then, if Momma can endure, so can I. It’s time for the Big Girl Pants, and all I can do is the best I can do. That’s all any of us can do.

So, if I’m a little spotty on blogging, tweaking or dropping, that’s the reason. Be assured I will return all drops, comments, link-love etc. as best I can until things settle. Until then, if you have some good vibes to spare, I’ll take all I can get.

And call your momma. Lord knows mothers can be a pain in the ass, but believe me when I tell you there’s no one like your mother. Call her and tell her you love her. Please.

Dear Motorcycle Dude,

First of all, let me say I could tell right off the bat you’re not a real motorcycle dude, okay? The motorcycle dudes I’ve known are extremely safety conscious. They wear helmets (sometimes backwards, if they’re really drunk, and then we distract them with naked boobs and take their keys away) and they wear leathers. You, my friend, don’t even have a doo rag on and you’re wearing a t-shirt and cutoffs. Yes, you have nice boots, but are you kidding me?

Anyway. Read more on Dear Motorcycle Dude….

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Since this is a young blog from an old bitch, I’m assuming I might have one or two readers out of my three (heh) that don’t know me very well. Thanks to Lala, here’s an opportunity for you to learn Seven Dark and Dirty Things You Might Not Know About Me…. Read more on Seven Things You Might Not Know About Me

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You have created a literary masterpiece, a gem of a short story. You just know you’re destined to be the next Great Thing in short fiction, and the money will be rolling in. Just a short word of caution: I’ve heard earning a living from writing short fiction can be done, but I’ve also heard people have seen a Sasquatch. Read more on Searching For Sasquatch

There’s nothing like starting out a day when you’re recognized as a Kick Ass Blogger. My fellow Goddess and Partner in Blogging Adventureland, LaLa, was kind enough to pass this along to me. (I didn’t even have to pay her to do it!) Read more on Kick Ass Bloggers

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I’m a huge fan of dancing shows. Whether it’s celebrities, street kids, fledgling amateurs or professionals, I love dancing shows. I marvel at the artistry, the physical prowess, and try to bullshit my kids into thinking I once could dance kinda similar to that when I was a young lass. In the Age of Disco, my friends, everyone thought they could dance. Read more on So You Think You Can Write